Maybe you will see this, maybe you won’t.
I know we still love each other. But we can move on with our lives and still keep our feelings for each other. If we can accept that we can’t be lovers then we can become friends instead.
I know it hurts to not get what you want most, and I know we did and said horrible things to each other. But stop being immature by hiding your feelings and acting apathetic and laconic towards me. You are torturing me by making things needlessly complicated and so much more painful.
I want to live in hope, and I want to believe that you will always love me. I really want to believe that in the distant future we may be able to resolve the issues between us and have a second chance to love again. I would be happy just by knowing this possibility exists.
But I emphasise that I am content with my life right now, I love my boyfriend, and I have finally rebuilt my life.
I am doing the right thing ignoring you. I know you will keep pretending to be indifferent no matter what I say. And I am finally able to put you out of my mind by keeping busy.
This blog used to be my safe haven of my most intimate thoughts and deepest secrets. But I no longer feel safe to post them here because I do not want a particular person to read them anymore. While I will try to come up with a solution, I have no idea how yet. So with a heavy heart, for the foreseeable future I will no longer post here.
I can sense it, and it will never go away. Those dark thoughts and feelings, simmering restlessly like lava in a dormant volcano. My reasoning and logic are the only restraints keeping it at bay. Rotten to the core; so inseparable with my defects that to escape is to forsake, to eradicate is to exterminate.
The notion that things always get better is all too fairytale. Pardon me from your words of reassurance. Spare me from your attempts of persuasion. Leave me, for I am beyond your reach and beyond your help.
Evanescence is what I seek, the very substance restraining my depression is helping me rationalise it. The world is suffocating me and fuelling this unquenchable desire. To plunge into a vast ocean where I cannot be found nor saved. To let the waves swallow me and take me away from myself.
Philia: Deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other.
Ludus: More playful affection found in fooling around or flirting.
Pragma: The mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term couples and involves actively practising goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding.
Agape: More generalised love. Not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity.
Philautia: Self love. In order to care for others you need to be able to care about yourself.
As I lay my head onto his chest under the glowing stars, I listened to his every heartbeat, with every pulse, my frozen heart thaws, in his warm embrace, I let my body melt into his. My mind drifts while my senses dull, I lose myself in this moment of bliss.
Love, there it is again. A word when combined with anything automatically makes it impossibly complex. Love is dangerous. Love can turn hope into despair, fantasies into nightmares, To flirt with love is to play with fire.
"Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart.
Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.”
Let me stay here, where love is out of sight and out of mind, away from the inescapable conclusion, for all things must end, the sleepless hours, for regrets will fill my mind, the endless tears, for grief will consume my heart.
So don’t look for the poor lost boy behind the laughter. Hold my hand, kiss my lips, take my body, not my soul.
The smile on your face that spoke of true happiness, the moments when I looked into your eyes and admired the person within, the feeling of ecstasy whenever we held each other in our arms, your words of tenderness and affection, the way you gave my existence meaning and purpose… the sound of your whispers in my ear… Rightly or wrongly, a part of me will always belong to you. But the part of you I fell in love with crumbled and turned into dust, carried away in a gust of wind. Beneath the visage, all that is left of you makes me turn away in disgust.
day 799 - Sep 4th, 2013 2:28pm - it’s funny how when one can say that they love you and then completely be fine with disappearing from your life. it’s even funnier that during a short period of time, one can be completely over you, disappeared from their thoughts. i wish boys didn’t tell me that they loved me when it was obviously so false. stop pretending to hold onto my heart when your grasp was elsewhere. you are an insult to the word love, an insult to the entire concept. you show me how love is truly solely chemicals, and that is what makes me the most sad. the three boys i have become most close to have all let me go extremely easily, and all have said they loved me.